Not Even in Your Wildest Dreams
by Kindali Sidera
Summary: Why some ships should never happen. The ideas are moderatly funny. T for later chapters and funny character death. Chapter 5: Straight Man to the Rescue! Drarry!
1. Harmony: A Ship that Wasn't Even Built

**Title:** Not Even in Your Wildest Dreams

**Summary:** Why some ships should never happen.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter. And I don't own these ships; most of them I wouldn't want to own anyway…

**A/N:** Sorry if I bash your ship. I'm bashing some of my own, but sometimes you just have to admit that IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! You can flame me if you like, but I will take no one who does seriously. I'm doing this because all of these ships are impossible. If you need proof of the impossibility, just ask for it. Also,

**Warning:** These are written horribly and quickly. I will most likely come back and write them at another time. UNBETA-ED. If you'd like to you could. Just PM me or leave a review and you've most likely got the job. Also, some later chapters may contain slash.

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**Chapter One: Harmony, The Ship that was Never Even Built**

Harry Potter sat in the Gryffindor common room alone, dozing in a quiet little corner. The rest of the House was most likely at dinner, and his wonderful girlfriend Hermione was off in the library doing her homework. He was supposed to be doing his, but sleeping sounded much better at the moment.

All of a sudden the room went ice cold. Half asleep, he barely noticed anything was off until the pain hit. It was his scar and it felt like someone was trying to break out of it with a hammer and chisel. His eyes flew open, only to meet those of his parents' murderer.

"Well, well, well. Little Harry Potter was taking a nap," the slithery voice hissed. Cackles from the Deatheaters echoed around the once warm and welcoming room. "Did I disturb you?"

Harry had jumped to his feet as soon as the evil man had opened his mouth. "How did you get in here Voldemort?"

"That is not of any importance, _boy_. What is is that you are going to fight me. Right now."

Harry sneered at him, ignoring the searing pain shooting through his skull. "And what if I refuse?"

The blood-red eyes narrowed. "You die."

Harry, deciding that this could be the final time he ever had to deal with the raging madman nodded his head stiffly. "Be prepared to die Voldemort." He drew his wand and raised it as Voldemort did the same.

A Deatheater, unrecognizable behind the mask, came between them and signaled the start of the proper duel. As soon as he moved out of the way, the Fat Lady's portrait swung wide and a bushy-haired seventh year came walking in, staring at a thick tome.

The duelists started in surprise when she spoke. "Harry-Sweetling, have you finished your homework?" She looked up just in time to see her boyfriend Harry look over at her with wide eyes, giving Voldemort the perfect moment to go in for the kill.

"Avada Kedavra!"

The last thing Harry heard was a scream coming from Hermione, cursing her bookworm-ish ways for being the death of the Boy Who Lived For Only Seventeen Years.


	2. That's Just Unnatural

A/N: This is so cliché, but it _is_ plausible… 

Chapter Two: That's Just Unnatural

"It's a," the medi-wizard coughed slightly, "boy."

Draco Malfoy looked from his beautiful wife Ginny and down at their first born child. His smile vanished, only to be replaced with a look of complete shock. "Holy mother of my wand! Shit! Crap-ola!" He looked quickly at the doctor. "You have got to be kidding me! That- that's just unnatural! Please," he turned his gaze to the hospital staff in the room. They were all very uncomfortable, "tell me this is a joke. One of you must have hexed him when he came out!" Draco Malfoy was pleading; begging that what he was seeing was a joke.

The staff all shook their heads in denial. No one would even think of playing a joke such as this on one of the most influential families in the country.

Ginny looked down at their son as well. "Oh my. I guess Ron was right, honey."

Draco shook his head viciously. "No." His voice was hard. "I refuse to believe our child- no, our _son_- has to go through life looking like… like _this_." And with a very unexpected outburst, he collapsed in tears.

The medi-wizard handed the newly cleaned child to it's mother; then, in a very good show of genius, herded everyone besides the parents out of the room, including himself.

Ginny looked down at the shaking form of her husband. "Don't worry darling, there are spells. We'll find something to help him."

Draco, in one last sniff, nodded his head in agreement. "But only under one condition."

Ginny looked wary. "And what is that?"

"No one, especially your brother can know. He will rub it in my face that he was right… for once."

Ginny rolled her eyes but nodded in agreement. She really didn't understand why he was throwing such a fit. The pink was such a beautiful shade; a perfect middling of her and Draco's hair.


	3. Its Similarities that Bite YouIn the Ass

A/N: I came up with this idea as I was sweeping up dog hair in my kitchen... I don't know why since dog hair, the actual dog, or any other sort of animal is even mentioned in here. Hope you enjoy it!

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Hermione had had enough. Those stupid boys who she felt embarrassed to call friends weren't talking. At all. They were completely ignoring each other and she had to be their little messenger owl!

Well that was going to change. No more Miss Nice Hermione. Nope. She was going to make them talk. She was going to make them realize that that they were meant to be together! And yes, she meant it in THAT way.

Everyone around them felt it. The sexual tension was overwhelming. In fact, Draco Malfoy, git extraordinaire, had even mentioned that he felt like jumping Hermione and dragging her in a broom cupboard to do some major shagging just because he was in the Great Hall with those two. Hermione had of course ran away quickly, not waiting to find out if he would actually do it; but the point was that if even Draco Malfoy considered sleeping with a muggleborn because of it, you knew it was bad.

So Hermione had decided to put an end to it all. Or a start to it. She was going to give the two boys a jump start in their relationship. Everyone would thank her profusely for it and love her all the more. But that wasn't WHY she was doing it, she just wanted to get her homework done a week before it was due instead of three days.

So when she saw them about to walk into the Great Hall for dinner (not walking together, of course) she decided that this would be her perfect moment. She pounced.

"Boys! Harry! Ron!" Her voice screeched down the hall at them. They both started to walk a little faster, but she didn't notice. She was too busy filling her lungs up with air to pay attention.

"I have to talk to you! STOP THIS INSTANCE!" They did. You did not mess with Hermione when she gave you a direct order. You might get locked in your room for a week as punishment.

After she had caught up with them and took a small breather, she began turning the ignition of her little plan. "This is ridiculous boys!" She said to them. "Honestly! You two need to put aside your differences and shag already!"

Both of them looked at her with eyebrows raised before Ron took his queue from Harry to answer for both of them. "But Hermione, it's not our differences that's stopping us, it's that we have too many_ similarities_."

Harry looked at her closely. "If you get his drift." He waggled his eyebrows in a very disturbing way.

Hermione was unable to produce a proper response.

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A few paces down the hall Pansy Parkinson said to an amused Draco Malfoy, "They've actually _considered_ it!" before promptly fainting and hitting her head on the cold stone.

He didn't notice because he was too busy relishing in the utter silence from the Gryffindor Mudblood. He wished he had a camera.

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A/N: How was it? I hope it amused you! If so please leave a review!


	4. Can you feel the love tonight?

A/N: So, I've done a story with this idea already… and it is moderately common in crack fics, but I felt like updating and this came to mind. Again.

Harry and Lord Voldemort were having a nice quite evening with each other in their sitting room. The fire was crackling merrily and they could here children caroling down the street. The hot cocoa they were drinking was just the right temperature. It was a perfect December evening.

As they sat listening to the WWN (Wireless Wizarding Network), Harry felt something well up inside of him. It was a feeling that he was familiar with, though never in this magnitude. It was love. And it was towards the… man(?)… sitting beside him on the loveseat. He knew he _liked_ Tom Riddle, after all, he wouldn't have asked him to come live with him, but neither one of them had expressed any strong feelings towards the other. The reason was that neither had had any strong feelings. (Besides hate, but that was years ago and they put that away once they realized they were so compatible… Phoenix feather core, anyone?) But now, Harry realized that that had changed for him. He hoped it had for Voldemort as well.

So Harry, hoping his declaration would bring enlightenment to his partner, decided to voice his newly found feelings. "Tom," he said tentatively into the quiet of a song change on the WWN.

Voldemort glanced at him with a slightly reproachful look. "Now Harry, you know I do not like the name of my disgusting muggle father."

Harry looked down sheepishly. He always forgot that one little pet peeve of Voldemort's. "Sorry, honey."

"Oh it's okay," the other man said. "Just don't do it again and I won't have to curse off your nether regions." They both laughed.

When silence fell again Harry gathered up his courage. "May I tell you something?"

Voldemort nodded at him, sipping his cocoa contentedly.

Harry drew in a breath, and putting all of his feeling into those three little words, he said, "I love you."

He should have known what came next. After all, Dumbledore had pounded it into his head for six years, but it still came as a shock to his moderately thick Gryffindor skull.

Voldemort dropped his festive Christmas mug on the blue carpeting as he struggled to breathe. Convulsions racked his body as a prophecy long since overdue completed itself. His eyes glazed over and he slumped onto the arm of the plush loveseat as Harry stared at him in slack-jawed horror.

Those words he had known all his wizarding life echoed over and over in his head, the eyes of Dumbledore twinkling merrily: _Power the Dark Lord knows not._

"Shit."

THE END!


	5. Straight Man to the Rescue!

Title: Straight Man to the Rescue!

Summary: Harry and Draco are gay lovers. Straight Man, whose job it is to convert gays to straights to keep the wizarding population up, will not let this go unnoticed.

A/N: This is going to end up being the prologue for a full length story about Straight Man and his arch-nemesis. It will be posted again under a story called (you guessed it) 'Straight Man.' Either that or something extremely close to it. My friends badgered me into agreeing to write a whole fic. I swear, they're all rabid about this... but, anyway! I came up with this idea in the shower (where I do some of my best thinking). I was wondering how the wizarding population would generally react to gay relationships. I decided that it would be frowned upon because there aren't very many magic-folk and they would like to keep the population up (and pure according to purebloods.) This is the result of that thought. I hope you all enjoy it!

By day Lucius Malfoy was your regular aristocratic, pureblood supremacist; by night however, he was known as Straight Man.

It was a title and a responsibility that had been passed down from Malfoy heir to Malfoy Heir for as long as his family could remember. One day he hoped to tell his son, Draco, of it and pass it on to him. It was a job essential to purebloods and every other wizard alike.

For when he heard a call for help he would go to that call and battle a foe so fierce it could wipe out wizard kind: homosexuality.

During the Dark Lord's reign of power his help had been scarcely needed, for the Dark Lord had scared nearly every wizard and witch alike to have good, population increasing sex. It had been a wonderful vacation for Lucius; but now however, with the Dark Lord dead and those horrible accepting blood-traitors in power, he was being called more and more frequently.

- head of Lucius spinning in a circle while 'Straight Man' is screamed in the background, reminiscent of 'Batman' -

Lucius had just been sitting down for his evening tea when he was jolted out of his musings by a cry for help: "Straight Man, Straight Man, help!!!" He jumped out of his seat and ran for the telephone booth in the corner of his office. When he emerged he was no longer Lucius Malfoy, he was – STRAIGHT MAN!!!

His green and silver robes with a snake shaped 'S' on the chest swished as he heard the call again. "Straight Man! Help! Help! My son is gay!" He had no time to loose. Thankfully, the voice sounded close. He rose off the ground before flying down the hall and in the direction of the distraught voice. He was surprised when his Straight-y senses led him to his drawing room.

Setting down on the ground he pointed his wand at the door, preparing to make an impressive entrance. The door flew open and he swept in, his glamoured face and hair hiding his true identity. What he saw before him shocked him.

His wife, Narcissa Malfoy, sat on a couch bawling, while his son stood across the room, hands interlaced with Harry Potter's. This would not do.

"You called," he said in a deep, straight voice. Narcissa looked up relieved.

"Straight Man, you must help me! My son has just informed me that he is gay, and that his lover is Harry Potter! Please save them!"

Lucius turned to face the two men. "Is this true?!?"

His son nodded while Harry Potter stared defiantly back at him. "You cannot change who we are, nor convince us otherwise. Our love is too strong!"

Lucius shook his head at him. "I'm afraid that is not true. I will change you, both of you, so you may go spread your seed and populate wizard kind." He pointed his wand at them. Draco cowered.

"No, please, I beg of you! Let us keep our love!"

Lucius shook his head. "It is my duty as Straight Man to save wizard kind by defeating homosexuality! You shall be my newest accomplishment to reach that goal!" he brandished his wand before saying the spell at the cowering men. "Gayus Minimus Straightus Maximus!" A bright light filled the room. When it cleared Draco and Potter were standing on separate sides of the room.

Potter opened his mouth, "I feel like shagging a woman!"

"Me too," replied Draco. "Let's go populate the world!"

Lucius and Narcissa watched as they left the room. Narcissa was crying in relief.

"Well, it looks like my work here is done." He bowed to his wife as she thanked him profusely. "No, no, do not thank me. It is only my job. Thank your husband and have sex with him tonight."

Narcissa was confused for a moment as to why she would thank her husband, but nodded anyway. Straight Man had just saved her son; she would do anything he said.

Lucius bowed one more time before flying from the room a happy man. He was getting lucky tonight!

A/N: I really hoped you all like it! Please review and tell me what you thought. And if you noticed any mistakes please point them out! It won't hurt my feelings! I'll be really happy if you do (and might even give you a virtual sweet of your choice!)  
By the way, I don't mean any bad feelings toward homosexuals! I hope everyone realizes that this is total crack. And if you've read any of my other works I'm sure you can figure out that I'm an actual fan of slash. :P


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